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Light the shadows
Saturday, March 07, 2009
8:06 pm
Jiao lian's words hit hard today. Made me feel so bad for saying that today. I was just being too defensive and ended up being really rude. Maybe this isn't the first time, maybe that's why she hardly tells me what's wrong with me. I think i changed for the worse, like I'm quite rude now. And it makes me think about how rude I can get with my mum too. Really don't wish to continue being like that, so I hope I will change for the better from today onwards. And what she, Mr Tay, Mr Ng and Iris said today made me wonder.. Perhaps we've all really been too individualistic and self-centred. Or maybe it's just me. It's really what Mr Tay talked to me about before. I never gave it too much thought then. I always want to play better and improve. No doubt there are times when I think I should get a point back to make up for the lost of point due to my lousy serve or whatever it could be or that I must help the team win. But apart from that I'm just thinking I have to play better than that. Like as an individual. From today on, I must think I'm improving for the team, to help us progress. What they said about the lack of communication was something I never realised. We used to think something was lacking but couldn't pin-point on anything. I guess this is it. I think it's just hard sometimes to tell people where they've gone wrong cause you're afraid they may be offended or something along that line. Hopefully we can be more open in the future. And I don't know what made me cry today.. The guilt? The realisation that we haven't been working as a team? I think I'm like overly emotional these days and I'm not liking it. I guess everyone just goes through some period of "crisis" at some point in their lives. I want to be stronger like I used to be!
And I keep thinking about the looming A levels too. It will come soon and I'm like freaking out over how to get 4As and land a place in SMU because obviously my results aren't showing. I do get really worried sometimes, especially when I think I've studied hard but end up flunking my test. There's just something super wrong with my study methods and just me perhaps. But after going through certain things, I'm more motivated now. Can't waste all that effort!
