The loneliness eats sometimes. I wonder how I used to live in my own little shell, staying at home all day long to do homework and study. Those were the days.. It's so hard to keep myself stuck on my seat for even a couple of hours these days and it's like really boring cause there's no one to talk to during breaks. But I think I will slowly get used to it cause I really am motivated to study now. I really see the need to be focused now because I realise that getting 4 As for all my H2 subjects isn't that easy. I might have thought I can do it if my sister could and became a little complacent subconsciously? Maybe I was just tired after slogging out for so many years of my life and not really enjoying anything. But I have enjoyed enough. Now I have a wonderful CCA and a goal to work towards and also a bunch of good friends. Yes, just a bunch and that is good enough. I should be content with what I have. The rest of it should just be about studying, studying for my own good and for myself. I don't want to end up regretting so as far as possible I must start this holidays. It's a short break and almost half of it will be taken up by SC camp from Monday to Wednesday and trainings. Totally don't mind trainings because it's our last shot and I want to win something this year so the sacrifice is necessary! I suppose I don't really have time to go and bag hunt anymore though so oh well.. just survive with what I have, though it really bothers me sometimes. Just came back from doing that actually. Went all the way to Redhill in hope of finding good offer but nothing really attracted me. I just ended up super tired in the end. In fact I was exhuasted after the second set with VJ today. We played a really good last set anyway but I have to learn to be faster and make my dives worthwhile. I keep going on the floor but the balls I attempt to save don't really get saved.. And I must learn to make my spikes steeper and scarier. Even if I used loads of strength and spike a long range ball, it won't really help us earn a point. So the aim now is to achieve STEEPNESS!
Friendly with VJ tmr will really tell where our standard is. I'm so excited. Hope everyone will be on form! =)
Saturday, March 07, 2009
Jiao lian's words hit hard today. Made me feel so bad for saying that today. I was just being too defensive and ended up being really rude. Maybe this isn't the first time, maybe that's why she hardly tells me what's wrong with me. I think i changed for the worse, like I'm quite rude now. And it makes me think about how rude I can get with my mum too. Really don't wish to continue being like that, so I hope I will change for the better from today onwards. And what she, Mr Tay, Mr Ng and Iris said today made me wonder.. Perhaps we've all really been too individualistic and self-centred. Or maybe it's just me. It's really what Mr Tay talked to me about before. I never gave it too much thought then. I always want to play better and improve. No doubt there are times when I think I should get a point back to make up for the lost of point due to my lousy serve or whatever it could be or that I must help the team win. But apart from that I'm just thinking I have to play better than that. Like as an individual. From today on, I must think I'm improving for the team, to help us progress. What they said about the lack of communication was something I never realised. We used to think something was lacking but couldn't pin-point on anything. I guess this is it. I think it's just hard sometimes to tell people where they've gone wrong cause you're afraid they may be offended or something along that line. Hopefully we can be more open in the future. And I don't know what made me cry today.. The guilt? The realisation that we haven't been working as a team? I think I'm like overly emotional these days and I'm not liking it. I guess everyone just goes through some period of "crisis" at some point in their lives. I want to be stronger like I used to be!
And I keep thinking about the looming A levels too. It will come soon and I'm like freaking out over how to get 4As and land a place in SMU because obviously my results aren't showing. I do get really worried sometimes, especially when I think I've studied hard but end up flunking my test. There's just something super wrong with my study methods and just me perhaps. But after going through certain things, I'm more motivated now. Can't waste all that effort!
Sunday, March 01, 2009
Been in a pretty weird mood and feeling quite tired recently. Can't exactly pin point what is this I am going through. It just sways here and there. Maybe it's just a monthly thing.